Questions about the way Christians and Pastors counsel and deal with issues of abuse and assault have blown up the internet and news media over the past few days. It is time to take a careful look at what has been done wrong and what solutions the Bible offers for rescuing and delivering women from abusive situations. There is real and genuine hope to be found when we look to Jesus for refuge and His church is meant to become a place of safety, healing and comfort.
Marriage is sacred and should be held in honor by everyone. We should do everything in our power to preserve, protect and defend marriage. But Sweeping abuse under the rug does nothing to protect the institution of marriage, in fact, it harms it. The Bible is clear that sexual infidelity breaks the vows of marriage and is grounds for ending a marriage if the violated party chooses to do so, (Matthew 19:9), but abuse, neglect and abandonment have been more difficult to understand. Here are the best answers I could find from Scripture on the subject.
Colossians 3:19 teaches:
Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter with them.
Several translations say do not be HARSH with them. One translation even says Do not ABUSE her. This word, pikraino, in Greek is the very opposite of treating a woman sweetly or kindly. It means to make her life bitter and hard. It describes a man who is cold and unfeeling toward her. It means to cause hurt and pain and God's word commands husbands not to do this.
Colossians 3:19 teaches:
Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter with them.
Several translations say do not be HARSH with them. One translation even says Do not ABUSE her. This word, pikraino, in Greek is the very opposite of treating a woman sweetly or kindly. It means to make her life bitter and hard. It describes a man who is cold and unfeeling toward her. It means to cause hurt and pain and God's word commands husbands not to do this.
Abuse Breaks The Covenant of Marriage
In an Ancient Jewish Ketubah, or marriage agreement, the husband promised to provide food, clothing, and conjugal rights. He promised to support his wife and treating her with chesed, or lovingkindness was assumed. Some traditional Ketubah's include a promise to Protect one's wife. The Baptist Faith and Message also states that a husband must provide for and Protect his wife. Abuse is clearly a violation of the promise to protect. Any failure to do these things, such as abuse or abandonment, constituted a violation of the marriage contract and granted the woman the right to a divorce. In place of the traditional dowry, sometimes the man promised to pay a specified amount to the bride in the event of a divorce for her security and well-being. These are the types of marriage agreements that were being used in Jesus' day as he addressed male religious leaders and in Paul's day as he wrote the letters to the church at Corinth. Here is a link to some Ketubah information: http://artketubah.com/read-texts/
In an Ancient Jewish Ketubah, or marriage agreement, the husband promised to provide food, clothing, and conjugal rights. He promised to support his wife and treating her with chesed, or lovingkindness was assumed. Some traditional Ketubah's include a promise to Protect one's wife. The Baptist Faith and Message also states that a husband must provide for and Protect his wife. Abuse is clearly a violation of the promise to protect. Any failure to do these things, such as abuse or abandonment, constituted a violation of the marriage contract and granted the woman the right to a divorce. In place of the traditional dowry, sometimes the man promised to pay a specified amount to the bride in the event of a divorce for her security and well-being. These are the types of marriage agreements that were being used in Jesus' day as he addressed male religious leaders and in Paul's day as he wrote the letters to the church at Corinth. Here is a link to some Ketubah information: http://artketubah.com/read-texts/
Christian men do not abuse their wives. Period. Any time a woman seeks help from a marriage where she is being harmed, threatened or put in danger, the husband MUST be treated as an unbeliever. Many accusations have been made about churches counseling wives to stay with abusive husbands. This is what 1 Corinthians 7:13 teaches:
If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he *consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.
The word consent, suneudokeo, in Greek, is also translated as be pleased, and it means to take pleasure in living together, to look upon her with favor and to be agreeable to the situation. A husband who physically abuses his wife is clearly excluded by this statement. An unbelieving husband who is verbally abusive, vicious, scary, cruel, full of hatred or threatening toward his wife could not be considered as "pleased" to live with her either.
Paul's comments were delivered to a group of new believers, some of whom had been saved, but their partner had not yet come to know Jesus. The original audience was fully aware that a woman who left a marriage in the first century would be leaving the safety, protection and provision of her husband's house...and that a man leaving his wife would be making her vulnerable. It wouldn't do for a Christian man to leave his unsaved wife--much better to show her through his actions what Jesus is all about. And it wouldn't do to have Christian women suffering in poverty in a society where jobs for women were rare and an unmarried woman was vulnerable. This is why if an unbelieving partner was willing to stay together, then their spouse was to try to win them over for Christ. The same principle applies today. But no one is required or encouraged to stay in a harmful or dangerous situation. In the case of abuse, obviously, the marriage is not a place of safety and protection and a believer is not bound to a spouse like that as we will see. But first, let's examine the issue of abandonment. The Bible does say that in cases of abandonment, the neglected spouse is not chained to the one who left them.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or sister is not bound in such cases. God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
Paul's comments were delivered to a group of new believers, some of whom had been saved, but their partner had not yet come to know Jesus. The original audience was fully aware that a woman who left a marriage in the first century would be leaving the safety, protection and provision of her husband's house...and that a man leaving his wife would be making her vulnerable. It wouldn't do for a Christian man to leave his unsaved wife--much better to show her through his actions what Jesus is all about. And it wouldn't do to have Christian women suffering in poverty in a society where jobs for women were rare and an unmarried woman was vulnerable. This is why if an unbelieving partner was willing to stay together, then their spouse was to try to win them over for Christ. The same principle applies today. But no one is required or encouraged to stay in a harmful or dangerous situation. In the case of abuse, obviously, the marriage is not a place of safety and protection and a believer is not bound to a spouse like that as we will see. But first, let's examine the issue of abandonment. The Bible does say that in cases of abandonment, the neglected spouse is not chained to the one who left them.
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him leave. A brother or sister is not bound in such cases. God has called us to live in peace. (1 Corinthians 7:15)
The bible makes it crystal clear that, male or female, if the unbeliever leaves, the Christian partner who is left behind is not trapped in legalism. They are free to live their life, move on, heal and even re-marry if they choose. Traditionally, a Jewish woman who was abandoned would have required documentation by the husband to remarry. Without it, she would have been considered a chained woman--bound to him and unable to get free. One can imagine how some unscrupulous husbands, wanting a divorce, but not wanting to pay the price dictated in the marriage agreement, might have abandoned their wives and refused to grant them their freedom--similar to a man who leaves his wife, but won't pay the cost of a divorce, or who refuses to pay child support or alimony. Paul's words clearly and undeniably set such an abandoned spouse free.
Christian men do not abandon their wives, this is why Jesus taught so sternly against divorce. So in situations where a man has abandoned his wife, we must treat him as an unbeliever. In fact, 1 Timothy 5:8 teaches:
But if anyone does not provide for his own family, especially for his own household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Because of their hardened hearts, Moses permitted, or possibly even required, wife-abandoning, covenant breaking men to give their wives a bill of divorce--for protection and fairness to these women, so they could be free of a neglectful or abandoning husband and not be left alone with no one to provide for them, but could remarry. Paul, under guidance from the Holy Spirit, follows the same principle. .
Now, to speak more on Abuse. Russell Moore, President of the Southern Baptist Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission has stated that "Abuse is Abandonment." I also hold to this position.
Abuse is a form of abandonment and a rejection of one's partner. An abuser has deceived his wife, broken the promises he made and shattered his marriage covenant. In situations where the unbeliever is abusive but remains in the house--they have clearly vacated their marriage vows. The abused party is given freedom to leave and not feel bound.
Abuse is a form of abandonment and a rejection of one's partner. An abuser has deceived his wife, broken the promises he made and shattered his marriage covenant. In situations where the unbeliever is abusive but remains in the house--they have clearly vacated their marriage vows. The abused party is given freedom to leave and not feel bound.
We should never forget the power of forgiveness or underestimate God's ability to change a person and we should pray for abusers, but protecting the abused must be a priority for Christians. Sometimes a separation with counseling toward reconciliation might be a solution IF the abusing party repents, gets help and gets saved and lives a life that proves he is different. But in cases of violence or the threat of bodily harm, we should not counsel a woman to return or trust the empty words of a smooth talking abuser. A battered wife has the right to leave her covenant breaking husband and never return. She does not have to go to counseling or give him the chance to reconcile. Even if she wants to reconcile, he needs to demonstrate real and genuine change and the fruit of the spirit (love, joy peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness and self-control) over a significant period of time. Abusers are snakes. Abusers almost always ask for forgiveness and promise not to do it again. But then they do. All women have the right to feel completely safe, protected and loved in their home.
Precious Vessels and Partners
1 Peter 3:7 is a powerful message to husbands that is sometimes misunderstood:
Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Vessel is another word for the human body. Peter is saying that just because some men are more physically powerful than women, we must never use that force to our advantage to intimidate, subjugate, abuse or mistreat a woman. Instead, we are meant to be protectors.
In 1st century homes, the weaker, or more breakable vessels contained the most precious items and would be treated with special care and respect. An Alabaster Jar, valuable in and of itself, might contain precious ointment, oils or expensive perfume--even equaling up to a full year's salary in value. Such vessels were treated with special care and respect and would never have been knocked around or handled roughly. This verse is about the inherent worth and worthiness of women. Peter reminds us that husbands and wives are equal heirs in Christ. Men must not use physical force to elevate themselves in power over a woman and we should remember that it is not a good idea to harm a daughter of God, he won't even answer the prayers of someone who does. A women's vessel, her physical body, contains a precious soul, created in the image of God. A Christian woman is also filled with the Holy Spirit. Her Soul plus the Holy Spirit is like a fragrant and perfect perfume, a sweet aroma to God. Hitting her is like punching God in the face--literally--and attacking a child of God. This passage demonstrates that abuse is an outrageous offense to God. To live in an understanding way, means to be perceptive, to get to know one's wife. In this usage it refers to both physical intimacy and spiritual intimacy. He is calling husbands to recognize the incredible and precious gift that a wife is and to appreciate their lives together.
In 1st century homes, the weaker, or more breakable vessels contained the most precious items and would be treated with special care and respect. An Alabaster Jar, valuable in and of itself, might contain precious ointment, oils or expensive perfume--even equaling up to a full year's salary in value. Such vessels were treated with special care and respect and would never have been knocked around or handled roughly. This verse is about the inherent worth and worthiness of women. Peter reminds us that husbands and wives are equal heirs in Christ. Men must not use physical force to elevate themselves in power over a woman and we should remember that it is not a good idea to harm a daughter of God, he won't even answer the prayers of someone who does. A women's vessel, her physical body, contains a precious soul, created in the image of God. A Christian woman is also filled with the Holy Spirit. Her Soul plus the Holy Spirit is like a fragrant and perfect perfume, a sweet aroma to God. Hitting her is like punching God in the face--literally--and attacking a child of God. This passage demonstrates that abuse is an outrageous offense to God. To live in an understanding way, means to be perceptive, to get to know one's wife. In this usage it refers to both physical intimacy and spiritual intimacy. He is calling husbands to recognize the incredible and precious gift that a wife is and to appreciate their lives together.
There has also been some misuse and misunderstanding of the word "submit." NOTHING about Biblical submission implies that a person should "submit" themselves to abuse from a spouse. Ephesians 5:21 tells families to:
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
This word, submit, hupotasso in Greek means to cooperate and work together. It comes from a word for rowing a boat that describes the perfect harmony of people working together for a common goal and moving in the same direction. It is true that the next verse tells women to submit to their husbands, and wives should cooperate and partner together with their husbands. But it is also true that in a classic Jewish way of speaking, the husbands are given an even heavier responsibility to carry:
Husbands LOVE your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Men are called to love their wives in the same self-sacrificing way that Jesus loves us. The onus is on us to break the cycle of abuse and start a new cycle of trust and caring. We are called to lead families in the same loving way Jesus leads the church. A husband's actions are to flow out of a heart full of love. Wives should respect, honor and promote godly men. Godly men should reciprocate that love, honor and respect. As Paul also taught: Love is patient and kind. Love is not irritable or selfish. Ephesians 4:31 teaches:
Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be put away from you along with all malice.
These words clearly oppose every possible form of abuse in every aspect of life, including marriage. The passage we looked at above from 1 Corinthians 7 begins it's conclusion by saying: God has called you to live in peace. These teachings were delivered to bring peace, safety, provision and comfort. Let us make sure that we understand and use them that way.
Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be put away from you along with all malice.
These words clearly oppose every possible form of abuse in every aspect of life, including marriage. The passage we looked at above from 1 Corinthians 7 begins it's conclusion by saying: God has called you to live in peace. These teachings were delivered to bring peace, safety, provision and comfort. Let us make sure that we understand and use them that way.
Conclusion
God comforts us so that we can comfort and help others.
He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction (trouble, suffering, difficulty) -2 Corinthians 1:4
Until Jesus returns, we will be comforting and helping those who have been involved in abusive relationships. I believe that by teaching what true Biblical partnership and cooperation looks like we can begin to reduce the amount of abuse we deal with. Until then, we must all be ministers of peace. We must teach lovingkindness as an essential part of the marriage relationship. When people come to us for help, I pray they will find safety, refuge and peace in Christ. As the Psalmist wrote:
Be gracious to me God be gracious to me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until danger passes. (Psalm 57:1)
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Helpful Links:
crisis-counseling-2-sexual-assault-and abuse.html
can-women-teach-theology-to-men.html
Here is a link to another piece I wrote to help us better understand the nature and character of God and his intolerance of sin and evil (including abuse) http://thetrustworthyword.blogspot.com/2018/04/bakers-builders-of-buggies-and-barns.html
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Helpful Links:
crisis-counseling-2-sexual-assault-and abuse.html
can-women-teach-theology-to-men.html
Here is a link to another piece I wrote to help us better understand the nature and character of God and his intolerance of sin and evil (including abuse) http://thetrustworthyword.blogspot.com/2018/04/bakers-builders-of-buggies-and-barns.html
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