What If She Was Your Sister?: Paul's Advice for Men

Ok brothers, whether you are a teacher, pastor, or work in a secular vocation, there is one piece of advice that we all need to heed. In Paul's first letter to Timothy, He writes:

Set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity....Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but appeal to him as you would a father. Talk to younger men as brothers. Treat older women as mothers. Treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters. Support widows...

Over the past few months there have been a disturbing number of prominent male Christian leaders who have resigned, been fired or disqualified themselves from ministry by making inappropriate comments about women, straying from their marriages, mistreating victims of abuse and assault and other issues regarding their relationships with the women entrusted to their care. We need a change in attitude and action, beliefs and behavior. As a leader, the most important piece of advice I have found comes from Paul's instructions to Timothy to treat the women under his care and in his ministry as his own sisters. Here are a series of questions we all need to consider:

Would you ogle your little sister and comment on her body?
Job said: I have made a covenant with my eyes, not to look lustfully upon a young woman. 

Jesus said: I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

There is no sin in recognizing that a woman is beautiful. But we have to discipline our eyes not to look them up and down. We have to avoid indulging in the lingering gaze. It is normal, natural and healthy for a young man to notice attractive women. But I will never forget the moment in High School when, at the commenting, elbowing and insistence of a friend, I took a lengthy look. A well respected teacher discretely called us on it and told us to "Do the right thing." He didn't humiliate us, but he admonished us to show the proper respect. He had seen me at FCA meetings and told me that he expected more from me. None of us are perfect, but we can all discipline our eyes and comments

Should you joke inappropriately in front of our about your sister?

Ephesians 5:4 teaches: Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.

Don't make jokes that insult the intelligence of women, or the theological capability, emotions or interests of women. Don't mock women's programs or belittle any work done inside or outside of the home by women. Don't make crude or sexual jokes. View women as equal heirs of the grace of God. And here is the hard part: Don't Laugh. It can feel awkward not to laugh when someone tells a joke. But think about how awkward she feels. Don't Laugh. Let him feel awkward. Lovingly confront and correct as you would a brother. Don't Laugh. 

If your sister was raped, how would you respond? 

Would you "break her down?" Would you confront her for "her" sin? Would you tell her to be silent and not go to the authorities? Would you coerce or convince her to retract? Would you put her under church discipline or on probation at her school? Would you tell her it was God's plan or His will for her life? I didn't think so. But these things have happened. And if you would say that last one, you're a Heretic.

Crisis Counseling: Sexual Assault

Would you talk dirty in front of your little sister?

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)

All of our communication needs to be respectful and encouraging of the callings and giftings of women and protective of their reputations, feelings and future ministries. 

Never engage in gossip or lower your level of conversation to that of students/congregants, etc. You can be friendly and relational to build positive interpersonal relationships. But elevate their conversation to your level, not the other way around. Crude talk is out of place, even among men, and should never happen around women. The things we talk about and the conversations we participate in display the level of respect and honor we have for the hearers. 

How would you want another man to treat and talk about your sister if they were dating?
For this is God's will, your sanctification: that you keep away from sexual immorality, that each of you knows how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not with lustful passions...This means one must not transgress against or take advantage of a brother or sister in this manner... (1 Thessalonians 4)

We should treat all women with the level of purity, honor and respect we would want our own sister to be treated with. The purpose of dating is to find someone to marry. Christian men should only date Christian women and we must, first and foremost, treat them as sisters in Christ. The marriage bed is holy and pure. It needs to be respected in dating relationships. Unless you have made the promises and covenant of marriage with a woman, you have no right to touch her. You are stealing something away from her if you do. I'm not suggesting you think of a woman you are dating as you would a biological sister--that's creepy and weird. But our behavior needs to be pure and we need to treat women with the same level of respect we would want our own sister to be treated with. 

We know that sexual immorality is wrong. But what about our conversations? Most of us have had or heard conversations we aren't proud of--whether with women or about women, especially when we were young. I've tried to be careful not to talk about women I dated disrespectfully, but I havn't always spoken up against others who did. One of the worst feelings I ever had was walking up in the middle of a conversation between some friends. The speaker was not a Christian, the listener claimed to be. It was kind of loud around and I laughed along before I became aware of what they were talking about, and I didn't know who they were talking about. I walked away the moment I realized they were discussing an intimate encounter between boyfriend and girlfriend, but just around the corner was the girl they were making fun of, devastated, crying her eyes out, and she was a friend of mine. She had heard me laughing and I couldn't do or say anything to minister to her or to help. If only I had made them stop. Don't Laugh.

As an adult, years ago, during a time when I wasn't attending church, I had a few conversations with women (adults of course), which might not have been dirty or explicit, but they weren't full of respect and honor either. They might have been normal conversations coming from an unbeliever, but did not meet the standard required of God's men. I'm sorry. I'm ashamed. And I know that I'll never be able to minister to them without seeming like a hypocrite. 

It's time to stop and ask ourselves this question: 

If a woman's only way of learning what Jesus is like was by looking at our lives, what conclusions would she draw? 

We have to make it a priority to protect the purity, honor, dignity, future family, reputation, self-respect and ministry of any woman we date or talk to. We need to see the purpose God has for her life, value her future ministry and actively promote and protect her. And we need to teach this to young men from an early age.

Would you want men viewing your sister in pornographic scenes?

1 Corinthians 6:18 tells us to Flee Fornication.

The word fornication is the Greek word PORNeia. Viewing porn is a sin. Even if you don't purchase it, when you visit a website, you increase the number of hits they receive and increase the influence and marketability of the website. Those views support the sex industry and human trafficking. Those girls are somebody's daughters, somebody's sisters, someone created in the image of God with a purpose and a plan for their lives and that purpose does NOT include selling themselves to survive. Viewing them is taking advantage of the most vulnerable. Run away from pornography. It is poison to the soul. 

How would you want your little sister to interact with men in authority on social media?

Through experience, I have learned to make it my personal policy to politely decline to be connected on social media with students. They can be my friends when they graduate--but only if they initiate the request. Ministers should not send friend requests to female congregants and every word posted on social media should be posted with the Gospel in mind. Of course I post vacation pictures and share life events. It is great to be relatable and friendly. But I rarely share links, never share memes, and over time I have learned to carefully consider every post, trying not to put anything out there that could be a stumbling block to my friends, but rather a stepping stone toward faith or a deeper understanding of the Bible. I never allow anyone to post on my timeline except for Birthday wishes one day a year and I monitor all tagging. 

If you are in a position where it is necessary to communicate electronically with women under your care, then it needs to be brief, informative, professional and ministerial. Don't use textspeak or emojis. That is too "cute" and informal. Spell words out. And do not engage in texting conversations with women under your care or authority. Obviously, If someone in crisis reaches out for help, help them--if you're married, bring your wife in or be accountable to someone. But don't engage in regular, long-term electronic communication with someone under your care or oversight.

If your sister was beat up by her husband what would you do?
If your little sister came to you for help because she was afraid of her husband what would you do? If she sought refuge and protection from you after being assaulted by her husband what would you do? Would you send her back into that house? Of Course Not!!! Consider this: Every woman you minister to IS your sister in the family of God. 

Crisis Counseling: Abuse and Abandonment

How would you like your sister taught and preached to?

Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God... (1 Peter 4:10-11)

There is a reverence, awe and respect that should be employed when teaching as God's representative. Don't joke in ways that demean women. Don't make jokes at the expense of your wife or any other woman. Don't joke about gender stereotypes. And when you hear those types of jokes...Don't Laugh. Give a fair amount of sermon time to the important ministries entrusted to women throughout scripture. Give a proportionate amount of teaching space to female Bible heroes as compared to male Bible heroes. Don't take things out of context. Recognize, honor, respect and highlight the many valuable contributions women made in Scripture.

Conclusion

All of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) 1 John 1:9 teaches: 

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

That's really great news. You can seek forgiveness from God and anyone you have wronged. The moment we confess and repent, is the moment we stop being the problem and become part of the solution. We've got to learn to protect, encourage, teach, support and honor women. We should treat younger women the way we would want our own sisters to be treated, because they are. I leave you to think on the words of Romans 12:10:

Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Outdo one another in showing honor.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Southern Baptist Convention has responded with strong resolutions about ministering to and respecting women:

www.sbc.net/resolutions/2285/resolution-2--on-abuse

www.sbc.net/resolutions/2284/on-the-dignity-and-worth-of-women